I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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