You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Randomize
