My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
