here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
