I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
