You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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