"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
