you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
