i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
