Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
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We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
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My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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