please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
