She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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