When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
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