Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Randomize
