his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
