you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
