Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
