I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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