I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
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he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
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