Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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