dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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