i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
