You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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