did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
