how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
