so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
