I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
