you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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