Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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