You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
