He disabled his match.com account in front of me
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
