He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
