You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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