He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
