you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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