i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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