On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
i drank out of a bidet.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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