She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
