i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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