We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Randomize
