her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
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I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
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Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
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