you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
