i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
