Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
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Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
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You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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