Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
