Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Someone shit on the floor
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
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