that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
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Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
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I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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