Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
