We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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