I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
