Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
