i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
