i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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