How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
