I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
